Pride Born from Fear: Understanding Insecurity-Based Pride

There are times when we appear strong, confident, and seem like someone who 'has control over life.' But behind that, there is a subtle drive that does not come from self-acceptance, but from the fear of appearing inadequate. This is what is called insecure-based pride, a pride that grows not because we are truly proud of ourselves, but because we fear appearing weak.

This kind of pride usually emerges from past experiences that make someone feel not good enough. It could be from a family that always compares, an environment that demands perfection, or friendships that only value achievements, not the process. These small wounds accumulate and form a pattern of "I must always appear better so as not to be underestimated."

In the end, the pride that forms is not to celebrate oneself, but as a protector. It is as if, "If I can appear great, people won't know I'm actually insecure."

Many of us grow up with the assumption that being wrong is embarrassing, that failing is a sign of stupidity. Eventually, we learn to hide weaknesses by 'appearing capable.' We become people who seem to know everything, can handle anything, or do not need anyone. But in reality, we are just trying to protect ourselves from the possibility of rejection or being underestimated.

Psychology researchers Jessica Tracy and Richard Robins (2007) mention that there are two forms of pride, namely authentic pride and hubristic pride. The first, authentic pride, grows from genuine success and self-acceptance. The second, hubristic pride, emerges as a defense mechanism against feelings of low self-worth. Well, insecure-based pride can be said to be a subtle form of hubristic pride, a pride that arises not because of certainty, but because of fear of appearing worthless.

Pride born from insecurity is like a beautiful house built on shaky ground. It can stand magnificently, but easily collapses with a small criticism or failure. Because its source of strength is not self-acceptance, but external validation.

According to Michael Kernis (2003), there is the term fragile self-esteem, a sense of confidence that appears high on the outside but easily crumbles when criticized. People with self-esteem like this often rely on external validation to feel sufficient.

That is why, when someone has insecure-based pride, they tend to reject help, have difficulty admitting mistakes, and become easily defensive. Not because they are stubborn, but because every criticism feels like a threat to their self-worth.

Interestingly, the more someone tries to appear strong, the farther they are from a sense of peace. Because every success no longer feels like happiness, but an obligation. "If I don't keep performing, I won't be valued." And ironically, the higher the 'wall of pride' built, the deeper the sense of insecurity is embedded. We want to be valued, but instead close ourselves off from others' empathy. We want to be understood, but hide the most human side of ourselves.

Healthy pride grows from self-acceptance. It is calm, does not need to show off, and is not afraid to lose. People with secure pride can admit mistakes without losing self-worth. They know their value does not depend on results, but on the process and sincerity undertaken.

Meanwhile, insecure-based pride is the opposite. It is thirsty for proof, but empty inside. There is a feeling of "I must always be better than others" that never ends.

Perhaps at some point, we must learn to stop pretending to be strong. True courage is not about covering up weaknesses, but acknowledging them without shame. There is nothing wrong with saying, "I don't know," or "I need help." Because it is precisely when we dare to open up that we begin to build genuine self-confidence, not a fabricated one.

Psychologist and author Brené Brown, in her book Daring Greatly (2012) and her TED Talk (2010), states that vulnerability is not weakness, but the foundation of courage. She says, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing, it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, but proof that we dare to be ourselves. And perhaps, there is the point where insecure-based pride begins to transform into authentic confidence, self-trust born from acceptance, not proof.

Insecure-based pride is an interesting paradox because it is between wanting to appear strong but actually being fragile. However, it does not mean it is wrong. It is just a phase, a way we survive before truly knowing ourselves. And when we can finally say, "I don't need to be perfect to feel valuable" that is when our pride changes from a shield to a reflection of self-love.

References:  

Brown, B. (2010). The Power of Vulnerability. TED Talk. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability  

Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.  

Kernis, M. H. (2003). Toward a conceptualization of optimal self-esteem. Psychological Inquiry, 14(1), 1–26.  

Tracy, J. L., & Robins, R. W. (2007). The psychological structure of pride: A tale of two facets. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92(3), 506–525.

Feeling Left Out: When You Don’t Fit In

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Have you ever been hanging out with friends where everyone seems close, but you feel like an outsider? They laugh, share stories, and talk loudly, but you just sit there, pretending to be busy on your phone so you don't look awkward. Even though you're there, it feels like you're being ignored.

That's what it feels like to be left out. It can feel really bad, like being left behind for no reason. It's not just about not being invited to join the conversation, but more about feeling like you don't "fit in" with the atmosphere. Sometimes it's not because your friends are mean, but because you yourself feel out of place, afraid of saying the wrong thing, or overthinking things. Eventually, you choose to stay silent, and the longer it goes on, the further away you feel.

I’ve felt that too. At first, I thought, “It’s fine, maybe they’re just really into the topic.” But after a while, thoughts like “Am I boring?” or “Do they still see me as their friend?” started creeping in. That’s when I realized that sometimes the feeling of being left behind doesn’t come from others, but from our own minds.

What makes it even harder is that we tend to compare ourselves to others. We see other people getting along easily, while we have to think a thousand times just to start a conversation. The thing is, everyone has their own way of connecting with others. Not every circle is right for us, and that doesn't mean we're wrong or uninteresting.

Sometimes, the more we force ourselves to "fit in," the more exhausted we become. So it's okay if you haven't found a place that truly makes you feel comfortable. Seriously, it's okay.

What's important is not to let the feeling of "not being acknowledged" make you feel worthless.

Understanding 'Social Comparison' that Often Occurs in Everyday Life

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Have you ever thought, "Why are they so successful?" or "Why does their life seem so much easier than mine?" If so, you have experienced the habit of comparing yourself to others. This is called social comparison. This concept, first proposed by Leon Festinger (1954), explains how humans evaluate their abilities, achievements, and even their self-worth based on the standards of others.

Social comparison is how people evaluate themselves by comparing themselves to others. However, this comparison can be done in two ways. First, comparing ourselves to people who are better than us (upward comparison) can encourage our personal development, but if done excessively, it can lead to feelings of inferiority and dissatisfaction with ourselves. Second, comparing ourselves to people who are considered to be in a worse situation than us (downward comparison) in some cases, make us more grateful, but if done in the wrong way, it can make us appear arrogant.

In today's social media era, everyone can easily see the "perfect" lives of others, triggering stronger feelings of comparison. In reality, what we see on social media is usually only the best part of someone's life, not the whole picture.

So, how can we avoid the negative effects of social comparison? There are several ways to do so, namely:

1. Remember that everyone's life journey is different.

2. Not everyone starts from the same point, so the results cannot be the same.

3. Focus on your own growth and learn from others without feeling like you have to be like them.

4. Use comparisons as motivation, not as a measure of self-worth.

5. Stop using social media if you start to feel anxious.

Because social comparison is a natural part of human behavior, it cannot be completely avoided. However, how we deal with such comparisons determines whether they have a positive or negative impact.

Therefore, it is very important to realize that everyone has their own pace. Life is not a race to see who can achieve success the fastest. It is okay to compare yourself to others, as long as the goal is to learn and become the best version of yourself, not to blame yourself for not being as "great" as others.

Reference:

Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117–140.

Jamais Vu: The Moment When We Suddenly Feel Unfamiliar With Something Familiar

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Have you ever experienced a moment when something that should be very familiar feels strange instead? For example, we often use certain words, see the faces of close friends, or hear our own names, but for some reason feel, "Why does this feel so unfamiliar and unrecognisable?" This is called jamais vu, which means "never seen" in French. This is an interesting concept, different from déjà vu, where something new feels familiar.

According to research on jamais vu, this strange feeling can arise in normal situations. Moulin and his colleagues conducted an experiment in 2020 where participants were asked to write the same word repeatedly. After some time, the word became unfamiliar and felt strange, as if it were not a word they had ever known before. According to this research, the brain can become "saturated" in recognising something and then lose that sense of familiarity.

The jamais vu phenomenon is similar to when our brain suddenly "disconnects" from the reality we normally take for granted. Moulin's research is interesting because it shows that our brain has a saturation limit when it comes to familiarity and is not a machine that automatically repeats the process of recognising objects or words. We write a word over and over again, for example, "pen". At first, it seems normal. However, over time, the letters begin to lose their meaning. Jamais vu is a kind of disturbance in our perception system, occurring when the brain thinks, "Is this really a familiar word?"

This shows that our brains can get tired of things that are repeated too often. Our brain is an extraordinary organ that can recognise many things, but sometimes it becomes a little overwhelmed. When that happens, it is as if our brain loses its connection with what it is recognising. For example, when we see the face of someone we know well, but then feel a little strange for a few seconds.

Certified neuropsychologist Dr. Karen D. Sullivan, interviewed by Medical News Today (Corrie Pelc, 2023), said that a temporary mismatch between perception and memory in the brain, particularly in the medial temporal area, causes the phenomenon of jamais vu. This mismatch makes familiar things feel unfamiliar.

Jamais vu is actually a small piece of evidence of how fragile and flexible the relationship between perception and memory is in the human brain, as explained by Dr. Karen D. Sullivan. When a "temporary disconnect" occurs in the medial temporal lobe, a part of the brain that is very important for recognition and memory storage, the brain seems to lose its ability to connect what it sees with the memory associated with it.

If we want to think more freely, we can view jamais vu as our consciousness "peeking" into another version of reality. Just imagine, what if we had a whole new world of knowledge to explore? This experience is a huge change, opening our eyes to a completely different way of seeing the world. From an interesting metaphysical point of view, some people argue that jamais vu is an exciting sign that, even if only for a moment, our consciousness has happily detached itself from the physical world and entered another dimension.

The feeling of jamais vu is like a small signal from the universe or the brain, encouraging us to pause for a moment and really pay attention to the things we often overlook. It is natural to feel a little strange when the things around us suddenly change. We may see familiar words and faces in a new way, or our daily routines may feel slightly different. This can make us think "Are we really paying attention to our own lives?"

Isn't it interesting how jamais vu makes us realise that reality is relative? When we look at it from a different perspective, even things we usually consider stable and safe can feel unfamiliar.

References:

Moulin, C. J. A., Bell, N., Turunen, M., Baharin, A., & O'Connor, A. R. (2021). The the the the induction of jamais vu in the laboratory: word alienation and semantic satiation. Memory (Hove, England), 29(7), 933–942. https://doi.org/10.1080/09658211.2020.1727519

Pelc, C. (2023, October 3). Jamais vu, the opposite of déjà vu: Why does the familiar feel strangely new sometimes? Medical News Today.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/jamais-vu-whatjamais-vu-the-opposite-of-deja-vu-why-does-the-familiar-feel-strangely-new-sometimesexplains-the-opposite-of-deja-vu